Maddy, Mo, Indy, and I at Winter Camp. I had the best cabin ever. :)
Maddy, Mo, Indy, and I at Winter Camp. I had the best cabin ever. :)
I’m 5 lbs away from my goal weight but I still feel fat - I hate this. I’m more self-conscious now than I was when I weighed 215 and was 4 sizes bigger. I thought 180 would look different on me than it does but oh well at the end of the day I’ve still lost 35 lbs since high school. I think I’m going to try to get back down to my varsity weight (160) or maybe even 150 (which I haven’t weighed since middle school before I broke my leg) but that’s going to take some time. My progress slows with every pound I lose and there is really no helping that unless I started to lose weight the unhealthy way, which I refuse to do. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel like I have an attractive body, no matter how much weight I lose. I just hope I can find a partner that can appreciate me for who I am and my body for what it is.
I miss the times when I loved myself.
I want someone who would like to go exploring the river with me but who would also like to cuddle and watch Lord of the Rings all day. I want someone who would like to go to concerts with me downtown but also wouldn’t mind just sitting at a diner or a coffee shop and sharing little secrets while the clock ticked on. I want someone who loves the sunshine as much as I do but can teach me how to dance in the rain. I want someone who shares my values in life but I also want someone who challenges me to look deeper into things and into myself. I want someone who can accept my past for what it is and who isn’t afraid to share theirs with me. I want someone who can see past the wall I’ve built up around my heart.
Things I have learned about myself recently:
When Jenna and I ride our bikes, we normally just cruise the streets and then ride from Rossmoor to Hagen Park on the trail (which isn’t a long ride at all, we just like seeing the river). Today we rode to Rossmoor but decided to go right, instead of left. Well long story short we ended up at Red Bridge, which is a bit of a ways from where we normally would go. We both have street cruisers so longish rides like that aren’t usually our thing. Our bikes, hers especially, weren’t meant to handle going up and down hills, like, at all. No matter how steep they are. You can break a chain doing it. Anyways, it was fun to go out of our comfort zones for a change. I think I’m going to ride to Red Bridge more often, it was totally worth it.
I have a post on my blogspot defining the 4 major types of Love. You can find that here.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
That’s what Agape Love (Unconditional Love, the highest form) is to me.
I believe in Love because I still see it going on in the world today. If there was no love in this world, why would we have any reason to live? What would prevent us from killing each other out of spite? This world would fall apart if there was no love in it.
I’m the one puking rainbows on my friend Aaron. Merry Christmas! :3
Last night I had a dream that Rupert Grint was serenading me with an Ed Sheeran song. And it was shark week.
I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THE DEPRESSION I FELT WHEN I WOKE UP YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
I would own a top of the line camera, camping equipment, and a RV. I would travel the United States working as a Freelance Wildlife Photographer, or get a sweet job with Nat Geo. I would literally go to every place imaginable. The high desert, beaches, Alaska, Yosemite, everywhere. Maybe I would even have a husband who I would be able to see the whole nation, heck, maybe even the whole world with. Life would be limitless.
ONE MORE DAY then this semester is over. Praise the Lord. Tuesday off, nothing but Middle School Youth Group on Wednesday so I get to hang with my lovely friend Taylor, work 9-5 Thursday and High School Group that night.
I want to go sit on my tree by the river and watch the water flow and not think too hard about anything. Yes, I’m claiming it as mine. I’ll probably end up carving my name into it soon.
As this first semester of college comes to a close, I am humbled by how much I have learned so far. Obvious lessons such as not waiting until the last night to start a 5 page paper to harder lessons like how to find peace in a chaotic world.
I had a lot of Revelations this semester, and I can thank the sweet wisdom of C.S. Lewis for most of them.
Life is tough sometimes, but we’re never facing anything alone really. Call Him God, or a divine spirit, or an inner peace, but there is always something, or someone, for us to lean on. Something or someone helping us push through the tough times. We just have to choose to accept it.
I AM DONE WITH MY LAST BIG ESSAY OF THE SEMESTER.
Just need to do my reflection and compile my group essay, and take my final Math exam on Monday.
Oh and I’m covering for someone so I work closing tonight from 4:45 to 12:30, then I have to be back at work for my scheduled shift that’s from 11:30 to 8pm tomorrow.
24 hours this week. Holla.
i swear on tuesday i probably won’t even get out of bed…
I don’t think we ever really let go of the past. We may convince ourselves that we have for a time, but old feelings never fail to arise unexpectedly and without welcome. I’ve found that the less I try to deny my old feelings, the less control they have over me. Sometimes we just need to deal with things instead of simply letting them go. There is a big difference between letting go of something and truly dealing with your emotions surrounding it.
Work was good today. Got home and then set up the Christmas tree, which was nice. I like spending time with my family doing stuff like that. I keep procrastinating on a couple essays I need to work on. They aren’t due until Monday, and I have Thursday off so I’ll probably do them then.
I’m loving “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis. It has really adjusted my perspective on things and shown me where I need to make adjustments in my lifestyle. I hadn’t realized how twisted my perspective of God and the Bible were before I really dove into it. I only have a few chapters left and I already feel like my head is so much clearer. I don’t question things like I used to, and my faith is stronger than ever.
My life philosophy has changed. More of Him, less of me. More love, less hate. Obedience and responsibility. Respect and humility. Self-discipline and accountability. It’s a learning process. I’m taking my new walk with God one day at a time, but through faith I will get to the place I need to be.
I’m going to give you the best answer I can.
Am I attracted to them? Yes. If I had to choose my sexual orientation I would identify as pansexual. I’ve been attracted to many people in the past regardless of gender.
Would I date a woman? No. Though I will not deny having feelings for them (and I do not think there is anything wrong with those having those feelings), I just choose to date men exclusively because I feel that is what is best for me.
So my first shift at work went well. One of the managers even let me go home early because no one told me when to take my breaks so I only took one 15 when I should have taken a half hour and a 15. Shift #2 tomorrow. Excited for it but still a bit anxious. Not a lot of anxiety about it though, which is good but surprising for me.
Finals blah blah. I really don’t like group projects and presenting things and all that. Better than an exam though. I need to write my 4 page reflection and finish revising my proposal argument… ugh. At least I have no math homework.
I’m happy. I’m at a place right now where I’m very content with my life and I’m very okay with that.